DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
