just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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