he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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