I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
