I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
