So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
