We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
