i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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