He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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