my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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