I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
