just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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