My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
