at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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