it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
the liver wants what the liver wants
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
