Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
