Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
