don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
