dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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