Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
