when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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