If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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