I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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