Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
