he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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