Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
where are you?
Hypothermia
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
