Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
be right there i have to get my cape
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
