I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
