so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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