This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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