If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
