My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
worst night to have a conscience
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
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