The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
