Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
