Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
