how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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