Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
