There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
