i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
