So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
