btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
