i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
