Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
