I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He called his prostate his "boner button".
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
