Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
