wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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