I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
