Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
