I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Randomize