My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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