he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Randomize
