i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
