Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
