there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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