On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
