Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I think people are normalizing furries
Randomize
