dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
