Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
MIDGETS
????
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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