I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
