ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
