Swine flu. Run for my life!
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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