I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
