he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
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