DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
