Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
