I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
